The Salary Theorem

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Geological Engineers

Some geological engineers from the U.S.G.S. recently surveyed some property in New England and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but now in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."

What you will learn in Engineering

1. You can study hard and still fail.

2. You can not study and pass.

3. Multiple choice does not mean easy.

4. There are no trains here.

5. Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts.

6. You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final,
and still do better than an arts student in any arts class.

7. Pi to six decimal places.

8. Judging by fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks.

9. Everyone is someone else's wierdo.

10. Front-row people are weird.

11. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

12. A 95.75% can be an A.

13. An 80.1% can be an A+.

14. You can kill your neighbors with a 9-volt battery.

Two Engineers Apply for the Job

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."

Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

Balloonist meets a Engineer

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Time Travel Project

There was a physicist and an engineer working on a top-secret time travel project. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there before them was a very beautiful female life form.

She said to the men, "I have been without companionship for many years, if you can reach me, you can do with me as you wish. However, because of the time field, every time you move towards me you will go only half that distance."

The engineer then looked at the physicist and noticed he was very sad. "What's the matter with you, this is the opportunity of a lifetime."

The physicist replied, "Don't you see, if I go only half the distance each time, I will never actually get there. It's a hopeless situation."

The physicist then asked the engineer, "Why are you smiling?"

The engineer grinned and said, "That's true, but I'll be close enough to get the job done."

Group Of Managers

A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So, they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. Soon, they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures. The whole project is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He casually pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it down on the ground, and measures it from end to end. Then, the engineer gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has left, one manager turns to the other and laughs, "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Three Engineers in the Restroom

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

Engineer and Lawyer Fishing Trip

An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was outstanding and they got to talking about their vacations.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How DO you start a flood?"

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

Then the fourth interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Engineer vs Toilet

Q: What's the difference between an Engineer and a toilet?

A: The toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

Chemist, Engineer, and Mathematician

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses, you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have proven that I can put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.

Modern Marvel

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Start-up Engineer

A start-up engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Ten reasons to date an Engineer

10. Why not?
9. They are user friendly
8. No need to call a handy man
7. Learn how to use the other buttons on your calculator
6. Homework help without the guilt
5. They will make lots of money
4. Not all of them wear dark blue jeans
3. They know how to push the right buttons
2. They understand heat-transfer
1. They are used to pulling all nighters

Ten more reasons to date an Engineer

10.- The world does revolve around us… we choose the coordinate system
9.- No “couple” enjoy a better “moment”
8.- We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship
7.- We have significant figures
6.- EK301: The motion of rigid bodies
5.- Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?
4.- Engineers do it to specification
3.- According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite
2.- We know it’s not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force
1.- WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE

The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach 

10.There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 
1. Dilbert is a documentary.

Graduates

The graduate with a science degree asks: "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks: "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks: "How much does it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

Clever Engineer

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The mathematician leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The mathematician persists and explains that the game is real easy and lots of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The mathematician, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The mathematician asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the mathematician.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the mathematician "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The mathematician looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers – all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The mathematician then hits the engineer, saying, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The engineer calmly pulls out his wallet, hands the mathematician five bucks, and goes back to sleep.

How Tall Is That Hotel?

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. 
The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk. 

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building. 

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: 

"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Engineer, Doctor and Pastor

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause]

“Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The green keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Engineers & Accountants

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see" answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see" answers an engineer.

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

The car breaks down 

There are four engineers traveling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

"Well, it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should purge the fuel system," says the chemical engineer.

"I thought it might be a timing problem or maybe a faulty plug lead," says the electrical engineer.

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and ask: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm - I think we should get out of the car and then get back in again."

Engineer's Dictionary

Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board. 

Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident. 

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties - We are working on something else. 

The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two. 

Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us. 

Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this. 

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. 

A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. 

Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised! 

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while. 

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 

The entire concept will have to be abandoned - The only guy who understood the thing quit. 

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

The Truth about Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO)

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage.
Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide...

• is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain
• contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Psalm to an Engineer's Sweetheart

Verily, I say unto ye,
marry not an engineer.
For an engineer is a strange being
and possessed of many evils.

Yea, he speaketh always in parables
which he calleth formulae.
He wieldeth a big stick
which he calleth a slide rule.

And he hath only one bible, a handbook.
He thinketh only of strains and stresses,
and without end of thermodynamics.
He showeth always a serious aspect
and seemeth not to know how to smile.
He picketh his seat in a car by the springs thereof
and not by the damsels.

Neither does he know a waterfall
except by its horsepower,
Nor a sunset
except that he must turn on the light,
Nor a damsel
except by her weight.

Always he carrieth his books with him,
and he entertaineth his sweetheart with steam tables.
Verily, though his damsel
expecteth chocolates when he calleth,
She openeth the package to discover samples of iron ore.

Yea, he holdeth her hand
but to measure the friction thereof,
and kisseth her only to test the viscosity of her lips,
for in his eyes shineth a far away look
that is neither love nor longing,
but a vain attempt to recall formulae.

Even as a boy, he pulleth a girl's hair but to test its elasticity.
But as a man, he deviseth different devices.
For he counteth the vibrations of her heartstrings
And seeketh ever to pursue his scientific investigations.
Even his own heart flutterings
he counteth as a measure of fluctuation.

And his marriage is but a
simultaneous equation involving two unknowns.
And yielding diverse results.

Verily, I say unto ye, do not marry an engineer.

-Shakeloose

Santa Claus: An Engineering Analysis

1.No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2.There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total -leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3.Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say, that for each Christian household with good children: Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, move at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops 15 miles per hour.

4.The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized Lego set ( 2 pounds ), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot the job with eight, or even nine, We need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload- not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons.

Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 5.353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. Each, in short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized with 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015-pound force.